misslizzers (misslizzers) wrote,

I love the smell of masochism in the morning

Driving to work this morning at 6-o-frigging clock, I almost drove off the road. It started with me allowing myself to make this dopey face and not sing along with the radio, and before I knew it, I was feeling that all-too-familiar highway groove vibration. So I gave myself what has to rank in the top 5 list of slaps across the face I've given; no mean feat as several lucky recipients can attest.

Luckily, it's true what they say about your face not knowing what your right hand is doing, and it straightened me right out.

The big news of the day is . . . I'm buying the house in Easton! Wah-hoo! For a piddling 80k. Holy shit. The only thing you can buy in New Jersey for 80K is a used car. I commit to this thing in writing tomorrow, so if anyone knows of any lawful or logical impediment, speak now, etc. etc. And please, no jokes about flood plains, inner-city violence or Pennsyltucky. Because A) It's really hard to have a sense of humor when you're spending this many hours signing papers B) My tax refund will actually exceed my car insurance payment, instead of the other way around and C)what with the ready access to firearms in P-vania, you probably have other people you'd rather piss off. Mm-k?

Top 5 Things I Could Do with the Two Weeks I will Soon Be Homeless:

5. Construct a hammock between my desk and my credenza and stage a modern day production of Bartleby the Scrivener.
4. Spend 360 hours tracking the asshole who stole my laptop, living on the streets so I can crawl inside his mind, and in the zero hour, stage a decoy, tail him, and set up a sting operation.
3. Turn my trailer into a traveling oddities sideshow and panhandle my way down the Jersey Shore as a contortionist and snake handler.
2. Hide out w/Hugh at a cabin on the north coast of Maine, float in the pool for 8 hours eating mango, then spend the remaining 352 hours in the hospital with a third degree sunburn.
1. Become some rich kid's nanny so I can spend my off hours cruising the Hamptons and analyzing the handwriting of the rich and famous at parties.
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