misslizzers (misslizzers) wrote,

It's me, your long lost friend

Remember when I used to have a land line? Those were good times, weren't they, ujournal? Back then, I was ahead of the curve. I would tell people I had a blog and they would say, "I know a therapist who specializes in narcissism." Then I would praise the medium for its subtle complexities, and they would roll their eyes and start talking about themselves again.

Now we're living in an entirely new age, and blogging is spreading through my circle of friends like a nice comfortable case of leprosy. It's fine with me, since I don't believe in the newspaper and have always compensated by having really smart friends. But like most people suffering from flesh-eating diseases, some bloggers demand care, feeding and attention. It's hard for me to understand since A) I'm not Mother Teresa and B)ujournal (short for, what, urethra??) is the sad frontier outpost of online journaling. It's like all of my friends are in Tribeca and I'm clinging to a buoy in Hudson Bay, trying to engage them in conversation.

Ok, Matty, I'll make you a deal. Hit me up with some comments and I'll see what I can do. This ujournal needs a boost in her self-confidence.

Favorite Conversation:
There's a five-way tie between everybody I talked to on aderol last Friday - including my damnself. That stuff rocks my fucking world. I only have one left and I'm thinking of putting it in my car in a little glass case with a tiny pickaxe to crack it open in case of emergency.

Top five lines of gibberish that came out of my top five Friday conversations:

5. [To Matty, who totally picked the right moment in my euphoria to call] "I am so proud of you! I take back everything I ever said about you overextending yourself because you fucking rock at everything. And by the way, I just had an epiphany about how I will teach our nation's youth by exploiting their inherent fear of aging."

4. [To Ryan and Kristen] "It's just not right to have someone name you Tiffany when you're built like a sofa."

3. [To Hugh] "God! Why don't they put this stuff in the water, like once a month? On that day, everybody would figure out what they're supposed to do with their lives, and there would be no traffic jams and they would all be the best singers of all time."

2. [To Kenny] "Thank God you guys got out of the car when you did. I was about to start chewing my own hand off to keep from freaking out."

1. [To self, when I realized the wait for the GWB was five minutes] "I am unencumbered by my body. I am all eyebrows."
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