So since I turned 31, I have done several things for the first time: I was in a series of film shorts (one involving some topless jumping jacks), took my first capoeira class, joined two book clubs, and I sang in a band - Bill's Kitchen at the Midway. I'm glad that I have never stopped coming up with new shit to try. Next up: choreographing a dance number for a show at the Footlight. I'm kind of nervous but have enough blind faith in myself to think I'll get through it ok.
Another first: I kind of went out of business. Or, I should say, I have had to scale my moonlighting gig back to once a week. It's hard not to be depressed about this. Then again, it's springtime in Boston, so it's actually hard for me to stay depressed.
As a way of climbing out of my recent funk, last week I made some new Spring resolutions. I came up with a list of 30 things I want to do, and then I made a schedule for doing all of them by August: 5 books I want to read, 5 dance or health-related things (making up a Michael Jackson Nia routine! Using up the various classcards I have! Getting a shiny new pedicure!), 5 creative goals, 5 stupid things that have to get done (replaced my broken basement key yesterday. whoo.), and 5 fun things (taking myself out for dessert at Finale! Going to karaoke! Buying theater tickets! Running around Jamaica Pond! Prix Fixe wine pairing at Ten Tables!) It may sound . . . crazy? Overly ambitious? Under-ly ambitious? But it's seriously done wonders. Winter kind of kicked my ass. But now I'm leaping out of bed in the morning to get shit done. Partly I don't have time to be depressed, partly I am reassured by all these miniature accomplishments, whatever it is, it's working. Hallelujah.
So here are my facebook posts from last September, a banner month if ever there was one. Featured commentators: Amanda Aldi, Rachel Baum, Hugh Beckett, Gordon Bedford, Steve Bisso, Danielle Bowlin, Rich Burns, Kyle Capogna, Dave Chin, Jason Cristofaro, Shannon Daly, Zach Davis, Becky Dicks, Ryan Dowd, Healey Gabison, Eleza Kort, Liz Laneri, Steph Luzzi, Lauren McAvoy, John Perich, Vicky Taylor, Mike Torres, Mary V
La: Hey, neighbor! Just moving in to Iffley Street - the place is AMAZING and my roommates kick major ass (imagine an apartment filled with the life collection of a 20-something professional taxidermy expert that likes to crochet). Can't wait to catch up - I'll call you as soon as i get my shit together and we'll toast to JP. :-) Much love!
Liz says that supper club is a miracle tonic for stress and melancholy! It is also recommended for boxers trying to get into a higher weight class.
Ri: Here, here . . .
La: Hey pretty lady - so good to finally see you again! Also, so stoked that we're neighbors! It's so wonderful to have family close by, just in case I ever need a cup of sugar . . . or an alibi . . . or someone to bail me out . . . anyway - yay Mondays off work! Got some things to do in the early afternoon, but I'll give you a call before I head over. Can't wait!
Liz has heard rumors of Polaroid film downtown and is going to investigate STAT! I am down to three shots left, people! The situation is dire.
Dav: I think Urban Outfitters is one of the last places which stock the stuff.
Ri: There is an UO in Harvard Square. I can check it out for you. Word.
Liz D: Sweet! I was going to check the one in Back Bay. I'm looking for Polaroid 600 film. Call me if you find any!
Ri: 10-4. Roger that.
Liz: The total amount is US $12 million dollars in 100 dollar bills, this money has been kept somewhere outside Baghdad for some time but with the proposed troop increase by president Barrack Obama, to end the suicide bombing and make peace with Iraq millitant and terrorist, we are afraid that the money may be discovered hence we want to move this money to you for safekeeping pending the completion of our assignment.
Liz D: I'm pretty sure this spam was sent to me by Sarah Palin.
Ri: Or a Nigerian prince . . .
Liz D: C'mon Rich, would a Nigerian prince call himself Sgt. Whittington, and have a tag line ilke CAN I TRUST YOU! Oh wait, yes, yes he would.
Hu: He contacted me too! Small world!
Liz D: We are gonna be riiiiich. Man, I really hope those bills are unmarked.
Ra: Unfortunately, it's not worth trying again. My schedule's just too tight. I think I may try some of their weekend classes though perhaps next week.
Liz'd coworker just joined a gun club in order to meet men. She has overlooked the obvious flaw in this plan, which is that her new boyfriend will have ready access to firearms.
B: Is your coworker a Palin?
Liz D: Oooh, I doubt it. I mean, sassy lady, yes. Conservative whackjob in our field? Not likely.
Ri: Or that he will have a small wang . . .
Ma: LOL Rich, well played.
Dan: LOL woah, red flag red flag!!
Liz is living with a kitten named Milo who follows her around and tries to do everything she does. If he could put on lipstick and heels, he would.
A: My little Milo is the same way.
Liz D: What a weird psychic coincidence!
G: Milo wears my bathrobe to sit around the house in when I'm not around.
Ja: This week on Inside Edition: Stalker Pets, could you be next?
Liz D: Who gave Milo my log in info?? Now my FB page is covered in LOLcats!! Oh noes!!!
Ma: OMG the cuteness!! I must come see it!!
Liz D: Yes! You must!
Liz is going to throw caution to the wind and go see Taking Woodstock after class tonight. Who's with me?
Liz L: Oh man, if I didn't already have plans, I totally would.
Ri: I would. But I have no desire to see that movie.
K: I wanna see it! Where's it playing?
Liz D: It's playing on the Fenway at 10:10.
K: Cool. I'll see if Julia Finkelstein wants to go too, cuz I know she wanted to see it.
Stev: Liz, did you know that you have a cousin that went to Woodstock? A little Bassi trivia.
Liz D: Is that cousin . . . named Steve?
Stev: Nope! Guess again. Give you a clue: He still lives in NY.
Liz D: I'm drawing a blank! Cousin Johnny's the only person I can think of, and I really doubt that Woodstock was his scene . . .
Stev: You got it!
Liz likes her doctors but hates doctors' offices. Specifically the dress code and the invasion of personal space. Also the architects seem to have designed them for the express purpose of giving you bad news.
Dav: Can't really probe orifices without invading personal space. :-)
Liz D: My point exactly.
Ry: Don't forget all that uplifting daytime tv in the waiting room!
Liz D: I was too busy choosing between Ladies Home Journal, Better Homes and Gardens, Better Ladies and Journals, and Martha Stewart is a Lady with a Better Home than Yours to even notice the tv.
Step: My doctor's office always has on the news from Pakistan . . . in Urdu.
Ri: I hear that . . . "Ladies Home Journal, Better Homes and Gardens, Better Ladies and Journals . . ." with a magazine selection like that do they also want you to go crazy as well?
Liz D: You hear the news in Urdu, Rich? Like, right now? Are you sure you're not having a stroke?
I don't think they want me to go crazy. They just want to take my lady bits firmly in hand and remind me of my feminine responsibilities in life at the same time. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sew some brocaded roses on my old crinoline, and order the painters to redo the living room in a nice muted pink. It's very now, in a very then way.
Ri: No, sorry I was referring to your posting at the top about doctor's offices, not Stephanie's comment. However, I sometimes hear Urdu, but only around Christmas time.
Hah!Yes, and while we are at it, don't forget to buy a new plastic cover for the love seat.
Liz is so looking forward to L&P's wedding this weekend! REnted house with great old friends and my newest friend, baby Wayne; officiating shamen; live bluegrass music; and that Londonderry air! (I cannot be the first person to make that joke).
He: I wish I could be there!
Liz D: Me too! I really miss you. :-(
Liz: This one's for you, Rob! (Married to the Sea comic)
Liz just got her ticket for The Gossip at the Paradise on Oct. 11! Who's with me?
Liz is not asking you, she is telling you to see The Donkey Show.
Liz L: What is The Donkey Show?
E: ART production of an adaptation of "Midsummer Night's Dream" taht is now a disco dance party.
Mi: Not really my thing, but if you're willing to pay for the flight to Tijuana, I'll happily accompany you.
Jo: My fuh-LA-ming hairstylist also recommended this to me.
Liz D: Perich: That surprises me not at all. You are surrounded on all sides by hot nearly naked man flesh covered in glitter and those boys are pulling off moves that make Fame look like a remedial ballet class. Also, for the hetero-minded there is a lovely young lady doing acrobatics wearing only thigh-high boots, leather shorts, and butterfly pasties. Shakespeare would have loved it.
V: I would love to, but alas I cannot. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Will I see you this weekend (Turtle Lane)?
Liz had a nightmare with a plotline similar to Planet of the Apes, except the apes were all infected with the Rage from 28 Days Later. In other news, Milo is the reason we can't have nice things.
Ma: Welcome to the world of pet ownership. I kinda forgot I can't have nice things when I bought that new coffee table, which now has scratches all over it. At least I only paid $30 for it. Just remember they aren't kittens forever, so you're starting off with them at their worst (and cutest!)
Liz D: He knocked over a huge framed art poster on top of a bookshelf and the beautiful glas fruit bowl my grandmother gave me that was in front of it, and both shattered all over the kitchen. I didn't even have the heart to yell at him - he was terrified. I am threatening to make him get a paper route to pay me back. Either that or make him go on an ultimate kitten-cage-fighting tour.
Z: You must prepare the rest of your house immediately or he will break everything. I know from whence I speak. Don't assume anything is safe, he will break EVERYTHING.
Liz D: Yeah, he knocked over a speaker last night. What am I supposed to do?? How do you guys manage? My roommate is going to get him fixed, hopefully very soon. Beyond that, the only course of action I can see is to practice non-attachment.
Z: The fixing helps. Also make sure he knows he's not allowed on things he's not allowed on - and just making sure that breakable things aren't stored places he can easily get to. I mean, he'll still get to them and break them, but you should at least make it hard. but you should definitely start detaching yourself emotionally from your breakables, because that's the only way to make it.
Ma: Ditto what Zach said. There are two kinds of people in this world: cat owners and those who like to have nice things. You are at least for now in the former category. Go through your house like you were baby-proofing it. Pack up the breakables. I did squirt Felix with a spray bottle of water when he got on things he shouldn't (counters, kitchen table, mantle), but that meant he just learned not to do it when I was home. But that made me feel like I had at least a teeny tiny amount of control. And he knows that if he sets a paw on my laptop he's toast. Also be aware that cats HAVE to have access to windows. Never put anything you want them to stay away from in front of a window.
Ma: Also make sure Rachel gently massages his paws regularly while he's little, so he gets comfortable having his paws handled. This enables her to cut the claws later and throughout life, but has to start when they're young. And get him used to being brushed/combed now, too, even though there's not much to brush, or he won't put up with it when he's older. AND as adorable as it is to let him bite your hands now, you'll regret it when he's older and you can't get him out of the habit.
Z: Aren't cats the BEST? We should write a book, so long as we don't mention any of this.
Ma: PS watch your wires, you may recall I've lost many a cell phone charger to Mr. I Will Destroy Everything Until You Feed Me. But yeah, cats are great!!! :-)
Z: Funny, wires have never held the interest of my boys. Mylar balloons, on the other hand . . .
Ma: Felix might be "special" because his mom was separated from the litter for like 3 days when they were very tiny. Most cats I know are less trouble than he is. Except his brothers.
Liz D: Don't get me wrong, my ability to bond with tiny, helpless creatures is off the charts, and Milo is currently napping in the laundry basket of my heart. But would it ever occur to me to become the primary caretaker of a cat??? Not on your life. I am definitely a having nice things sort of person. Someone needs to breed a hypoallergenic cat that speaks English. That's a cat I could get behind. Luckily, M, Rach has already started on the claw maintenance, and having him chew my fingers creeps the hell out of me. Also, my love for Milo does not prevent me from squirt-gunning him in the face when he does things he shouldn't - though I totally agree he knows not to get caught, but does not have a higher sense of conscience about it.
Liz D: Also, I am fantasizing about inventing some kind of motion sensor we could switch on that would police the kitchen counters when we're not home. That and coating all of my electrical wires in hot sauce. Thoughts?
Ma: LOL, or lay down some electric fence-like thing that zaps them when they jump on the counter. You could try filling cookie sheets with water and placing them on the edges of counters (but they'll probably learn to distinguish the presence or absence of the cookie sheets). Cats also hate aluminum foil, but I got sick of covering and uncovering my surfaces with foil all day long.
Sh: We used to swat them with a rolled-up newspaper and yell "No!" at the same time. Then after a while just hit the newspaper in your hand (while yelling no). And then eventually you can just yell no and they will stop whatever they are doing. Worked for our cats, but they're all different. Other people use water spray bottles. I would give up on keeping them off the counters when you're not there; it won't happen.
Z: Ha, my cats both love aluminum foil. Shows what we humans know.