October 5th, 2009


People of the Internets!!

I need your help! This Halloween I will be a grooms(wo)man in a costume wedding. Help me come up with a costume!!

I am not very clever when it comes to costumes. Well, I take that back. I am pretty great at coming up with costumes for theme parties; it's just that when I can be *anything* I am overwhelmed by options and I go through a total system shutdown.

Here are the parameters that make this particular event extra tricky: 1) I don't know what other people are going as. The groom keeps joking around that he will go as a penguin, but I don't know if he's serious. 2) The bride and her party are going as fairly generic things - witch, fairy, etc. - though I don't really know specifics. 3) I do know that the bride has asked her maids not to show more cleavage than she does. The bride has very sweetly said that I am one of the groom's people, so her rules do not apply, but c'mon, there's no way I'm going to try to outsexify the bride, that would just be obnoxious. 4) Ideally I would like to come up with something witty, but again, I don't want to upstage the couple of the hour. 5) I think I might be walking down the aisle with Chairman Mao. But I can't think of anything awesome that would go with that - though someone suggested Richard Nixon, which is not a bad idea. 6) Though I am a groomsperson, I would like to point out that I do not crossdress well. Though I guess one of those stick-on moustaches might be kind of hilarious if I was otherwise dressed as a girl.

I haven't gotten suggestions other than Nixon. Or maybe a roller derby chick, though I am pretty uncoordinated on skates.  Since I am technically replacing Whitefire in the wedding party, I thought it would be kind of funny to impersonate Whitefire, though I'm afraid that would require getting a haircut and growing in some sideburns. 

I would love to wear last year's costume, which was My Best Halloween Costume Ever, but it definitely breaks all the rules; I went to an '80's Halloween party and I dressed up as Pamela Anderson.  I borrowed my friend's size EE bra, stuffed it with four pairs of pantyhose, and went out wearing only dance tights, tennis shoes, and a red leotard that looked just like a bathing suit.  I had on a blond wig and a safety whistle, and for my walk down Mass Ave I wore a puffy orange vest that looked a little like a life jacket.  It was SO TOTALLY AWESOME.  The best part was that I went to a party where I only knew one person and loads of people thought that I actually was a blond with ginormous boobs.  I wound up making out with Hunter S. Thompson to disasterous results  (Interestingly, on Halloween 2002 I also made out with Hunter S. Thompson.  Apparently if you are a chain-smoking gonzo-style reporter, I don't really put up much of a fight).

Needless to say, Pam Anderson is not wedding-friendly.  I also went to a dead celebrity party last year, wore the same wig and boobs, slapped on a fake mole and went as Anna Nicole Smith.  Again, not a woman you would want to associate with the taking of life-long vows.

Two years ago I was a belly dancer (partial nudity disqualification), and I went to another party as Flashdance - I wore a giant off-the-shoulder sweatshirt over some dance tights and a leo, taped up my feet and wore a welding mask.  It was awesome, but NOBODY GOT IT.  People of all ages were asking me:  Why are you wearing riot gear?  Are you a dancing robot?  Suzanne Somers? 

My ace in the hole is my authentic flapper costume, but somehow I lost my antique fur stole - either I misplaced it in a breakup or it was stolen by a closeted member of PETA.  And it's a lovely dress, but I would definitely have to chop my hair off.  Maybe it is time for a bob.