June 2nd, 2004


Take it outside

Well, it turns out I didn't buy the house. In fact, I just put a bid on a new and improved house, one that actually has insulation that isn't made out of cinders, is painted with the chemicals that God intended, has not one but two bathrooms, neither one raining shit down onto the kitchen table, and most importantly, it does not have a large community of asbestos participating in an orgiastic barn dance all over the basement. Nope, this house is a radically reconstructed June Cleaver, and that house was a radiation victim with splinters for teeth, hiding behind a fat suit and a Nixon mask.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I am really tired of my nomadic existence. Getting set to move for the *15th* time in 5 years this weekend, and I think I've already put my chiropractor's kids through braces. She's gonna love me now.

Favorite Conversation:
I sat next to an elderly man from Trinidad on the chinatown bus to NY on Tuesday. I was drinking some cranberry juice and he told me that the chemicals would kill me. Then he started talking about how skim milk was poison because of pasteurization, and that it was a big scam anyway - "It's not as if they feed one cow four times as much protein as another cow to get him to make whole milk" he said, and told me he had it on good authority that they just add water to it - when I told him that "skim" is in fact a verb for what they do, he just told me that I'll be smarter when I'm older. Then he told me about how these people were buying him dinner and he ordered lobster but then he sent it back because he was convinced that they had removed the lobster meat and stuffed it with crab meat - something he claims they do all the time. Oh, yeah, like they're just _giving_ crabmeat away. He was drinking tea at the time made from rest stop tapwater. Hah hah, sukah!

My roommate Liz got punched in the face in a bar the other night, because this guy didn't appreciate it when she interrupted him forcing himself on her sister. Luckily, she had the wherewithal to slug him in the chest and then suckerpunch him with her left. Then her friends beat him within an inch of his life. Here's a list of my top five most fearsome friends so you fools can consider yourselves warned:

5. Matt - He'll charge you like a mack truck with faulty breaks if you get his ire up, or so legend has it. Also, he's the only person who reads this thing, so I'm keeping my bases covered.
4. Susan - Her patented scratching method and total lack of remorse leaves her opponents baffled and stung.
3. Steph - Man, that girl is street.
2. Kristen - Quickest middle finger this side of the Mississippi, and she'll fight you like a cornered tiger.
1. Lizzie - All I can say is, you're lucky she has friends who don't want to see her in jail.