The first is from a guy in his forties who lives in New Jersey. Perfect for me, right? It gets better. His message was not only informative, it made me feel as though he really knew me. Oh, Indianguy42, you charmer!
“I am Moslem from
This next one is from a now defunct profile. Pity. It combines the hip stylings of those give-me-your-bank-account-information emails from Nigeria, with a persecution complex of Biblical proportions, enhanced by the robust flavor that only all caps can give, and written with a level of skill that would make a second grade grammar teacher want to cut off your thumbs:
AM JAMES AM 45 YEARS OLD AM DIVORCED WITH TWO CHILDREN ANS I WAS DIVORCED FOR 5 YEARS NOW BCOS MY EX WIFE REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS SHE TOOK ALL MY MONEY IN MY BANK AND RAN AWAY SO I DECIDED TO DIVORCE HER AND NOW AM SEAKING FOR A HONEST CARING LOVING SINCERE TRUSTWORHTY WOMAN AND A GOD FEARING THAT WILL SAY SORRY WHEN SHE WRONGS AND THAT WILL ALWAY BE THERE FOR ME BCOS NOW AM FEELING ALONE AND NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME... AM A BUSINESS MAN A OWN A SAMLL BUSINESSS I GOT A STORE HERE IN USA AND HAVE ONE TOO IN NIGERIA TO I USE TO TRAVEL AND I ENJOY THAT I FEEL LIKE HAVING SOMEONE NOW THAT WE CAN BOTH TRAVEL TOGETEHR GO TO BEACH AND PARTY TOGETEHR THAT WILL REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY LIKE A MAN BACK......... I WILL LIKE TO GET TO KNOW U MORE IF U WONT MIND AND IF U LIKE TO CONTACT ME HERE IS MY MAIL
On a related note, I emptied my laundry bag today and was greeted by a hail of mouse shit, and had the pleasure of discovering that I now have a total of three pairs of underwear that haven't been gnawed to pieces by mice. My first thought was to stop wearing underwear altogether, but I soon realized that they would just start eating my pants instead. Thanks for the compliment, mouseketeers, but I'M NOT INTERESTED.
That goes for you too, Muhammad bin Whackjob and Cappy McSadsack.